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I spent most of my seventh grade summer dehydrated, green-tongued, and smelling like a Malaysian whorehouse.

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I am absolutely a Giants fan and I’m a Dynasty baby so I was a 49ers fan for a long time.
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Absolutely Baby Dynasty Fan Giant Long Time
I think I was only attracted to drunken douches before I got married.
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Attract Before Douch Drunken Married Thinking
I’m sure I had low-level scurvy all of my childhood.
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All Childhood Level Low Scurvy Sure
I take the most wrenchingly painful moments of my life, brush them off and present them for the amusement of others. Luckily for me, my childhood was torture.
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Amusement Brush Childhood Life Luckily Moment Other Painful Torture Wrenching
Pop culture hales you and wants you to fail.
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Culture Failing Fall Pop Want
So what I would say to other people is to just embrace who you are because you will become instantly happier.
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Embrace Happier Instant Other People Say
My parents were vegetarians. I’d show up at school, this giant black kid, with none of the cool clothes and a tofu sandwich and celery sticks.
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Cloth Kids Parent School Stick Vegetarian
I love Toronto. I love it. I love Toronto. I love Canada. I can’t wait to get back. Can’t wait to have some Timbits.
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Back Country Some Toronto Wait Waiting
Maybe the nails are a little stubby and gnawed on, but I definitely do not have man hands.
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Definitely Gnawed Hand Man Maybe Nail Stubby
I actually wanted to be an attorney. I did do things on the side like improv and sketch comedy, but law was my focus. I was a very bookish, academic kid. When I got out of college,
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Academic Actually Attorney Bookish College Comedy Focus Improv Kid Law Sketch Thing Want
I do not actually DO these things, but I see myself doing them, and that is almost MORE satisfying, because I am also lying down.
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Actually Almost Down Lying More Myself Satisfying
It is hard, it lasts all day, the lighting is generally fluorescent, and, apparently, drinking at your desk is frowned upon.
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Apparently Day Desk Drink Fluorescent Frown Generally Hard Last Lighting Upon
I want everyone, regardless of gender, to live a life free of restriction or fear, able to pursue their own personal brand of happiness and fulfillment.
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Battle Brand Easy Fought Fulfillment Goal Matter One Personal Really Sacrifice Worth
I was raised by a single dad, so I’ve always just kind of liked “guys” stuff. I think my dad just took me to the things he was interested in.
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Dad Guy Kind Like Single Stuff Thinking
When I was young I thought, ‘Yeah, people don’t see, they’re not recognizing how funny I am, and how talented I am’. And the guys that mentored me were like, ‘
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Funny Guy Look People Recognize Talented Thought
I’m such a geek, and have always been a real nerd.
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Always Geek Nerd Real Such

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