“When I do stand-up shows at colleges, girls will talk to me after the show, and that always feels good. I like talking to them.”

I’m getting older, and it happens. You don’t care as much. I don’t care about too much anymore. I’ve got to think about that a little bit.

When I take my kid to school, all the parents stop and stare.

Alright, remember, alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you.

I don’t know what drives me to succeed. I know I want to always do the best I can. I never was like that as a kid.

Never seen my friends do more push-ups, trying to challenge Cruises’ manhood. It was like, I can be strong, too!

I did rocks, all this dumb stuff. But now it’s just trying to stay afloat and just get through the days.

The only reason I got into stand-up was because my brother told me to. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I was 17 and my brother went to a comedy club and he said – you can do that.

Sir one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!

I don’t want to run around with new people. I feel safer with my friends.

I read to my kid, but I can’t stand reading.

Feels good to try, but playing a father, I’m getting a little older. I see now that I’m taking it more serious and I do want that lifestyle.

Sometimes you can’t prioritise family and you feel guilty.

I’ve always just had troubles with my family because I’m psychotic. It had nothing to do with that.

I still like doing stand-up now, but it’s not the same. It used to be that I was out there with five other comedians. Now I usually just do it alone.

Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it.

I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.

Sometimes I do wonder what college would have been like. But I made my decision.

Every year, many, many stupid people graduate from college. And if they can do it, so can you.

College is a refuge from hasty judgment.

College isn’t the place to go for ideas.

I believe that teachers – whether in elementary schools, at the secondary level, or at colleges and universities – every teacher deserves the Nobel Peace Prize just for maintaining order in our schools!

And just because you have colleges and universities doesn’t mean you have education.

When I was in college, I remember thinking to myself, this internet thing is awesome because you can look up anything you want.

Life on earth is like college and we’re all just trying to pass the courses.