“Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, ‘How’s it going with that girl?’ ‘One day at a time, man.’”

You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you’re on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren’t.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is ‘If it feels good – stop.’

The girls are beautiful in Hollywood – and enough silicon to caulk a sink.

My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don’t know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.

There’s no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie – just a quick sniff, ‘Alright, let’s go.’

My dad was a big car guy. If you wanted to spend time with my dad, he was working on the car.

Whenever she uses the phrase ‘I was thinking…,’ that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

If you’re in California and it’s raining, stay home, because nobody can drive in the rain. It’s like it’s raining frogs. They’re terrified.

I talk a lot about women in my act, ’cause let’s face it — if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

I got into cars through my father. He used to work on cars. My job was to hold the light, which pretty much was the limit of my mechanical abilities.

As soon as you lay down, that’s when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. ‘Goodnight, baby.’ ‘Do you think we were together in a past life?’ ‘Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.’ ‘Don’t you feel like we’re soul…’

I know she’s just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing ’til you hear water.

I love my girlfriend, don’t get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It’s a gift.

Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: ‘Swear to God, man – the hooker gave the money back.’

Some days I wake up and all I feel are the fractures in the flesh that covers the only me I’ve ever known.

Tis time, my friend, ’tis time! For rest the heart is aching; Days follow days in flight, and every day is taking, Fragments of being, while together you and I, Make plans to live. Look, all is dust, and we shall die.

Someday, we will look back, and we won’t be ashamed.

One day, we would all be where we’re meant to be. Everything will fall into place, and we won’t have to force things or people to stay.

With one day’s reading a man may have the key in his hands.

And the days are not full enough And the nights are not full enough And life slips by like a field mouse Not shaking the grass.

A book is always an emergence above everyday life. A book is expressed life and thus is an addition to life.

The most glorious moments in your life are not the so-called days of success, but rather those days when out of dejection and despair you feel rise in you a challenge to life, and the promise of future accomplishments.