I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERGI wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERGWhy is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERGA friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERGI’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERGIf 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERGHere’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERGWhy are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERGI hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERGChicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERGPepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
MITCH HEDBERGI saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERGRice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERGIf you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERG