I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERGEvery picture of you is when you were younger.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
MITCH HEDBERG






