I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
MITCH HEDBERGI’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERG






