I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERGI’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG