A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERGThe depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG