Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERGThe depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG