When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERGI got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG -
When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERG -
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERG -
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERG -
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERG