I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERGOne time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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