“One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.”

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”

On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’

I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it’s their fault.

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

Though I had never written a memoir, I was confident that given enough time, I could do a serviceable job. Not elegant, but blunt, informative and funnier than most readers would expect.

Whenever you have an ex, and they’re like, ‘I hope we can still be friends!’ and you weren’t friends before you started dating, then what do you go back to, really?

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

A guy walks into a psychologist’s convention with a banana in his pocket.When asked about the significance of this he says;well,they were all out of grapes.

You shouldn’t get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.