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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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Born Lose People
I never eat before breakfast.
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Eat Myself One Liner
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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Control Food Myself Strong
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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Attitude Deep Yourself
I must have a drink of breakfast.
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Food Morning Myself
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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Man Pain Woman
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Food Myself
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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Man Money Poor Rich
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDS

Improvement Myself
You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS

Enough Fools Live People Time Yourself
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
W. C. FIELDS

Hands Life Yourself
I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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Herself Thankful Woman

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