Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDSWhen doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS