My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
BILLY CONNOLLYI love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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The more you know the less the better.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
BILLY CONNOLLY