I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
BILLY CONNOLLYThe more you know the less the better.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Sometimes there’s a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I’ve ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
BILLY CONNOLLY