“When you’re famous, you’re always famous. It doesn’t go away.”

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you’d want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

I don’t roll like that but I’ve never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that’s good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that’s a little disturbing.

Ladies, apologies, but isn’t ‘vintage’ just used stuff?

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman’s face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce….I thought he was missing.

It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don’t tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o’clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I’m going back to bed.

I’m psyched about what I can contribute that can be meaningful to myself and to others.

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.

When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they’re not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it’s cable.

Everyone I love I pay.

I don’t feel like I’m with you. And I say, You know what? That was your mother’s gripe, too. And she was right. And you’re also correct. When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

I don’t censor myself, but I don’t want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

I have no agenda, nothing to control.

I used to feel famous, but now I feel successful.

Most famous people get younger and younger. I sometimes ask myself that question: ‘How come I’m the only person who’s getting older?’

For one year, I want to do this thing where I guest-star on as many television shows as I possibly can. I love television. The fact that television ultimately made me famous was very gratifying for me.

In the future, everybody will be world famous for fifteen minutes.

People who want to be famous are really loners. Or they should be.

Now that I’m famous, guys don’t hit on me.

I’ve never wanted to be a star, I never wanted to be a famous person or anything like that, and I think my fans know that as well.

When I got famous, all of a sudden guys wouldn’t look at me. Period. So I felt a little sad, a little frustrated. Like, What’s going on here? I’ve never been prettier in my life and I’m so cool and successful.