I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
BILLY CONNOLLYIf I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
BILLY CONNOLLY