I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
BILLY CONNOLLYThe great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
BILLY CONNOLLY