“Now I wonder why we’re f-ked up as a race. I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the word “bunny” or “chocolate” anywhere in the f-king book.”

Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can’t find your fags.

How would you like to get inside that guy’s mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn’t he?

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution.

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

not all drugs are good.. some of them are great

I don’t identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for.

We’ll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God – I am killing me!

I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York… Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum! Bye!

STRATFORD SUCKS!’ Am I supposed to run after these guys? I’d just stand there, you know. They’d back up. ‘STRATFORD SUCKS! …STRATFORD SUCKS!’ I’d say, ‘I know. I go there. You’re wasting gas, man.

It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks real good to me right about now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer’s pussy.

The world’s like a ride in a fairground & when you choose to go on it you think it’s real, that’s how powerful our minds are

May I suggest, instead of a war to feel better about yourself, perhaps… sit-ups? Maybe a fruit cup? Eight glasses of water a day?

Truly, the only stupid people I’ve ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television.

What’s gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we’re all one. Ha ha ha ha ha! It’s gonna fuck up the economy!

Surgeon General’s warning ought to read: Smoking has been determined t0 cause cancer, heart disease & rednecks with seniority.

The only foundation for . . . a republic is to be laid in Religion. Without this there can be no virtue, and without virtue there can be no liberty, and liberty is the object and life of all republican governments.

I remember hearing the gospel in Sunday School and I talked to my Mom about it one night before bed. It was clear to me that I was a sinner and I was not going to heaven if I died without accepting Jesus Christ and what He did on the cross for me.

The test of those values is the Bible. Politicians who do not use the bible to guide their public and private lives do not belong in office.

God brought me to Himself at about the age of 4. My parents were devout believers and my Dad was in Bible College at the time.

I was scared of the Bible – it seemed whenever I read it I got bad luck. Then I befriended a couple of Jesus’s disciples and I used to show them modern life – how to run the hot and cold taps and things like that. They seemed alright but it didn’t change my feelings about the Bible jinx.

The Bible is still loved by millions, read by millions, and studied by millions. It remains the most published and most read book in the world of literature.

Where in the Bible does it say I have to drive a Honda?.

There’s always been a need for horror fiction, though – ghost stories have been a staple of every human society since the beginning of recorded literature – and while commercially the field may have its ups and downs, it will never go away.