“Golf’s really fun in Japan because of the women caddies. … I saw one guy start out playing alone with his caddie.”

A testimony is a testimony, and it should be respected, whether it is small or large.

Don’t work out, work in.

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.

I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

The uglier a man’s legs are, the better he plays golf – it’s almost a law.

They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What’s funny about that?

I have to admit, I sometimes wonder how much more successful I would have been as a coach had it not been for my spending summers on the golf course.

Golf is a great example to me. Golf is a metaphor of life. I mean, every shot.

I agreed to coach the golf team. I didn’t even know how to keep score, and really, my main job was not to wreck the van on the way to tournaments.

I feel like I’m the Babe Ruth of golf.

There’s nothing better than competitive golf.

One of the easiest shots in golf is chipping. It should be the easiest. It’s like throwing a ball or pitching pennies. It’s easy. And I struggle with that, and the struggle is all mental.