“Where are all the sour patch parents?”

Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop’s another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you’re talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It’s like a painter painting a panting of himself painting a painting.

There are a shitload of songs about being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back and I talk about weed and my cat and being lazy a lot.

True ideas are those that we can assimilate, validate, corroborate, and verify. False ideas are those that we cannot

Love is all about… whistles.

I’m just ready to keep going.

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

I am very lucky to have the opportunity to travel to so many amazing destinations for work!

Let a Secretary of Peace be appointed.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.

I think controversy has this allusion of being controversial but it’s totally not, which is why I’m trying to get away from it because it’s just easy and automatic.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I’ve got a cousin who is 18… Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.

You love the people that give you money and attention? Of course you do, that’s not selfless that you love your fans, that’s ridiculous.

I just think they aren’t true. I’m saying that our generation wants stuff that is substantial and challenging, as well as thoughtful and endearing. Well, I don’t know if I’m doing that, but I’m trying.

My parents were really political. The news was very important in our home.

Kids, Madison Avenue is lying to you. Your parents are lying to you. The president is lying to you.

They don’t want to know. Maybe they realize that their yuppie parents who protested Vietnam have turned on their ideals and are now struggling to buy a Lexus or whatever.

A self made man is a rarity and hated by the parasites that floated to fame thought their parents, relatives and contacts.

We basically had dinner every night while watching the news, and then we’d discuss it with our parents.

I felt like the luckiest kid in the world. And I was. I was growing up middle-class in a time when growing up middle-class in America meant there would be jobs for my parents.

Adolescence is a period of rapid changes.

Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.