“I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.”

Critics have said I write without spontaneity, in cold blood. I don’t. I write in hot blood.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me.

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don’t smoke… tumors.

I’m not a grown up until everybody realises I’m a grown up. When everyone remembers me as the dirty kid singing little songs I am the dirty little kid.

I’d really love to make something that doesn’t involve my stupid face.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

I’ve been doin’ drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

At the time of ‘Words, Words, Words,’ I’m a 19-year-old getting up feeling like he’s entitled to do comedy and tell you what he thinks of the world, so that’s inherently a little bit ridiculous.

For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.

Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop’s another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you’re talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It’s like a painter painting a panting of himself painting a painting.

There are a shitload of songs about being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back and I talk about weed and my cat and being lazy a lot.

True ideas are those that we can assimilate, validate, corroborate, and verify. False ideas are those that we cannot

Love is all about… whistles.

I’m just ready to keep going.

I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

The Infinite Universal Power is more than just a narrow-minded gatekeeper to a spiritual County Club.

I managed lots of clubs. I had more clubs than Jack Nicholson

A lot of Donna Summer and things that maybe weren’t trendy anymore or weren’t hip in gay clubs but you’d hear them at Taboo.

Nobody ever swung a club too slowly.

I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it’s that same fear.

Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it

I go to dance clubs…about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going ‘God, what idiots!’