“I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.”

I saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.

I’ll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven’t done something even mildly creative.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.

Nobody ever swung a club too slowly.

I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it’s that same fear.

Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it

I go to dance clubs…about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going ‘God, what idiots!’

If I can sell out clubs and theaters and play dirtbags in movies, and get blown up in a car or get the crap beat out of me in a movie, that’s good for me; I’m good.

I can see myself staying at Blackburn for the rest of my career – unless I move to another club at some stage

I don’t want to go to Portsmouth or any other club that has no ambitions.