My wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’
BOB MONKHOUSEWith my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.
More Bob Monkhouse Quotes
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I know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!
BOB MONKHOUSE -
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I’ll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven’t done something even mildly creative.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can’t fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I got my start in silent radio.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
What do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSE -
I’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
BOB MONKHOUSE -
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?
BOB MONKHOUSE -
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!
BOB MONKHOUSE -
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
BOB MONKHOUSE