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1. black
2. grey
3. blue
4. red
5. brown
6. white

Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Bob Monkhouse

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More Bob Monkhouse Quotes

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  I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

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• 

  I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

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• 

  When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

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• 

  Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

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• 

  I’ll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven’t done something even mildly creative.

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  What do gardeners do when they retire?

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• 

  They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

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• 

  I saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

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• 

  Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

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• 

  My wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’

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• 

  With my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.

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• 

  A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: ‘Take me to the canaries’.

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• 

  I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.

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• 

  Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

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• 

  My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

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• 

  My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

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• 

  A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

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• 

  Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can’t fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

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• 

  I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

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• 

  My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

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• 

  I came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!

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• 

  Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

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  FunnyHumorSilence
• 

  I know I’m a sinner, but make me a winner!

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  KnowsSinnerWinner
• 

  I’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

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• 

  I got my start in silent radio.

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• 

  Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.

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