“Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.”

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

I saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.

I’ll never stop working. I want to die in the saddle. A day is wasted for me if I haven’t done something even mildly creative.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!

If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman.

According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women. So don’t worry, lonely women, you’ll be dead soon.