“I used to limp around my neighborhood imitating him. I did my Bar Mitzvah with an Oklahoma drawl.”

I’m comfortable being old… being black… being Jewish.

There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there’s usually only one thing you can do. Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

When you realize you want to invest the rest of your lifestyle with somebody, you want the rest of your life to commence as quickly as achievable.

The Factor concept is very simple: Watch all of those in power, including and especially the media, so they don’t injure or exploit the folks, everyday Americans.

To be good, you need to believe in what you’re doing.

Good news, they found Nemo! The bad news is, they found him in one of Wolfgang Puck’s puff pastries.

Change is such hard work.

You really have to have some muscle to be on the stage in front of the world.

We were in front of a live audience and I would be acting with the man who was playing my lover, and we used those words, and the audience would titter and laugh, and make me uncomfortable doing the scenes. …

I was introducing [director and producer] Hal Roach – Mr. Roach was 100 years old, he was one of the fathers of early days in films, he put Laurel with Hardy, he created the Our Gang kids, and all these silent movies he did – he was a giant.

I’d like to think there is a Heaven, and it starts from the happiest day in your life.

You have to really respect what your kids are doing with their kids and how they’re raising them. You can’t push your way into areas where you shouldn’t be saying anything.

I’ve always thought that the key to a good sex life is variety. That’s why God gave me two hands. Humans love sex, we need sex, it’s how we connect, it reminds us we’re alive, it’s the third most basic human need, after food and good movie popcorn.

There’s only, I think, in life, three things that I do pretty well: Performing, I still can field ground balls, and I make nice kids.

A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it’s really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it’s great.

Kids need a happy household. They need to be loved and supported in their dreams. And I don’t think you can make your kids’ dreams your own. They need you to support them in their dreams.

As soon as I got out there I felt a strange relationship with the pitcher’s mound. It was as if I’d been born out there. Pitching just felt like the most natural thing in the world. Striking out batters was easy.

All ballplayers should quit when it starts to feel as if all the baselines run uphill.

I hear the cheers when they roared and the jeers when they echoed.

A man ought to get all he can earn. A man who knows he’s making money for other people ought to get some of the profit he brings in. Don’t make any difference if it’s baseball or a bank or a vaudeville show. It’s business, I tell you. There ain’t no sentiment to it. Forget that stuff.

I said I’m going to hit the next one right over the flagpole. God must have been with me.

I don’t blame the players today for the money. I blame the owners. They started it. They wanna give it to ’em? More power to ’em.

Little League baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets.

Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical.