American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
BILLY CONNOLLYBehind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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