“Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America’s biggest export is now the Oscar.”

Change is such hard work.

You really have to have some muscle to be on the stage in front of the world.

We were in front of a live audience and I would be acting with the man who was playing my lover, and we used those words, and the audience would titter and laugh, and make me uncomfortable doing the scenes. …

I was introducing [director and producer] Hal Roach – Mr. Roach was 100 years old, he was one of the fathers of early days in films, he put Laurel with Hardy, he created the Our Gang kids, and all these silent movies he did – he was a giant.

I’d like to think there is a Heaven, and it starts from the happiest day in your life.

You have to really respect what your kids are doing with their kids and how they’re raising them. You can’t push your way into areas where you shouldn’t be saying anything.

I’ve always thought that the key to a good sex life is variety. That’s why God gave me two hands. Humans love sex, we need sex, it’s how we connect, it reminds us we’re alive, it’s the third most basic human need, after food and good movie popcorn.

I used to limp around my neighborhood imitating him. I did my Bar Mitzvah with an Oklahoma drawl.

There’s only, I think, in life, three things that I do pretty well: Performing, I still can field ground balls, and I make nice kids.

A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it’s really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it’s great.

Kids need a happy household. They need to be loved and supported in their dreams. And I don’t think you can make your kids’ dreams your own. They need you to support them in their dreams.

That’s why that show, no matter who hosts it, it really should be a fast-thinking comedian who is really quick on their feet that can handle situations that happen, or somebody with that kind of mentality that can capitalize on something.

You give up your dream, you give up.

It’s money. I remember it from when I was single

I’m a sucker for a free tuxedo.

I started examining history and then everything related to the theater. History, art, all the other studies, if I could link them into the theater, then it became alive for me. It just opened up my eyes.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Some songs are too repetitive for me to be able to fashion a humorous set of lyrics around. Some songs flat-out just don’t work creatively for me.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does.

You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

Gimme a pigfoot and a bottle of beer.