I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
BILLY CONNOLLYI don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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There’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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The more you know the less the better.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
BILLY CONNOLLY