I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
BILLY CONNOLLYFor me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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Try to live in a place you like.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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The more you know the less the better.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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I don’t aim to offend.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
BILLY CONNOLLY