I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
BILLY CONNOLLYdidn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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Try to live in a place you like.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
BILLY CONNOLLY