Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
BILLY CONNOLLYChic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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