I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
BILLY CONNOLLYChic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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