“Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves…After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do.”

Women priests. Great, great. Now there’s priests of both sexes I don’t listen to.

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here’s Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid.

I ascribe to Mark Twain’s theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’

People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn’t share with itself.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day”. Yeah, looks like He rushed it

I have something to tell you non-smokers that I know for a fact that you don’t know, and I feel it’s my duty to pass on information at all times. Ready?. . . . Non-smokers die every day . . .

I’m tired of this back-slappin’ “isn’t humanity neat” bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes.

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f-kin’ mouth.

It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party.

Mister, I don’t want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble, Mister.

What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn’t it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It’s gonna be worth it!.

I’m glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, “My God! I love everything.” Yeah, now if that isn’t a hazard to our country…

What before seemed a…frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all.

Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here’s my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride …