Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
BILL BAILEYPeople say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
BILL BAILEY







