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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’

Bill Bailey

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
BILL BAILEY

Admire Funny Humor Hurt Ikea
Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
BILL BAILEY

Cheese Funny Humor West
Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
BILL BAILEY

Littles Stupid Three
You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
BILL BAILEY

Confused Funny Philosophical
Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
BILL BAILEY

Males Pubs Three
I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
BILL BAILEY

Dollars Funny Humor Work
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
BILL BAILEY

Anthropomorphic Aspects Funny Horse Humor
I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Magazine True
I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
BILL BAILEY

Concrete Funny Humor Pigs
If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
BILL BAILEY

Easier Enough Happiness Thinking Undeniable
There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
BILL BAILEY

Couple Funny Hold Humor Position
Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
BILL BAILEY

Clubs Fashion Marijuana
The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
BILL BAILEY

Bafflingly Jump Paralyzing Philosophical Spider
What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
BILL BAILEY

Funny Harp Humor Long
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
BILL BAILEY

Department Funny Humor Organization
I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
BILL BAILEY

Funny God Morning Sorry

People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’

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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’

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