Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
BILL BAILEYLive comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
BILL BAILEY