“I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: ‘Oh well,’ and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.”

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been born ?

Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren’t for Christmas We’d all be Jewish.

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

Live everyday as though it’s your last ’cause one day you’ll be right.

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

Do unto others, then run

Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason… now I have a reason.

Government is a health hazard. Governments have killed many more people than cigarettes or unbuckled seat belts ever have.

But even today, ninety per cent of the items covered by the word are forgettable objects in which cigarettes can be left to go stale.

The second technique was the ever popular chimney fire and number three had to be the drunken cigarette drop on the carpet.

Reality doesn’t have any preconceived ideas. You’ve got to learn how to smoke the cigarette, not act smoking the cigarette.

I never wanna have a time where I’m on the big lawn just sitting back smoking cigars and drinking lemonade. I wanna work forever. Until I die. I wanna die on the way to a show.

I’m addicted to you as a man to a cigarette.

Blow the cigarette smoke on my face. I want to smell you in them.

I take the lit cigarette from your mouth and put it between my lips. I only wanted to know how you taste.