“Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren’t for Christmas We’d all be Jewish.”

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been born ?

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: ‘Oh well,’ and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

Live everyday as though it’s your last ’cause one day you’ll be right.

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

Do unto others, then run

Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason… now I have a reason.

The next thing I wrote was in a writing class at night school. It was about a poor woman who worked at a dime store and who was all alone for Christmas in Laurel, Mississippi.

Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us…

You can’t allow the forces of political correction to shut you up. I mean, why are people afraid to say, ‘Merry Christmas?’ Give me a break. If people don’t like it, yeah, they can go do something else.

Criticism can never instruct or benefit you. Its chief effect is that of a telegram with dubious news. Praise leaves no glow behind, for it is a writer’s habit to remember nothing good of himself.

And whether these poor people would not fare far better if they were entrusted to the devils in Hell than they do at the hands of the devils of the New World who masquerade as Christians.

For a Jewish guy, I’ve recorded a lot of Christmas albums.

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

At this time of year it’s easy to forget the true meaning of Christianity – the lies, the corruption, the abuse.