“Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason… now I have a reason.”

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been born ?

Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren’t for Christmas We’d all be Jewish.

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: ‘Oh well,’ and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

Live everyday as though it’s your last ’cause one day you’ll be right.

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

Do unto others, then run

Beer is not a good cocktail-party drink, especially in a home where you don’t know where the bathroom is.

I try not to drink too much because when I’m drunk, I bite.

I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.

I keep telling people: Don’t make me the poster boy for AA because I don’t know a lot about sobriety, but I do know a lot about drinking.

My biggest weakness as a endurance athlete has been in not drinking enough water after training, thereby racing sometimes while dehydrated.

I’m calling for all responsible Americans to fight back and punish Pepsi for using a man who degrades women, who encourages substance abuse, and does all the things that hurt particularly the poor in our society.

When the movies first started, audiences were dumbstruck to see actresses walking around in evening gowns. They’d never seen anything like that. They wanted to be like those actors and actresses, so the movies informed their behavior.

Were I to prescribe a rule for drinking, it should be formed upon a saying quoted by Sir William Temple: the first glass for myself, the second for my friends, the third for good humor, and the fourth for mine enemies.