“Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason… now I have a reason.”

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been born ?

Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren’t for Christmas We’d all be Jewish.

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: ‘Oh well,’ and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

Live everyday as though it’s your last ’cause one day you’ll be right.

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

Do unto others, then run

If I have one, I’ll have thirteen. No, there ain’t no in-betwee. Cuz the more I drink, the more I drink, the more I drink.

Learn to ignore everything anyone (including myself) has ever told you about wine protocol.

I regret starting drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes and joining Facebook.

Beer is not a good cocktail-party drink, especially in a home where you don’t know where the bathroom is.

I try not to drink too much because when I’m drunk, I bite.

I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.

I keep telling people: Don’t make me the poster boy for AA because I don’t know a lot about sobriety, but I do know a lot about drinking.

My biggest weakness as a endurance athlete has been in not drinking enough water after training, thereby racing sometimes while dehydrated.