“I’m set up where I make a lot of money doing stand-up, and it’s easy.”

I was talking to a guy who was holding his 18-month-old daughter with the only limb he had left, and he had a smile on his face. I thought, ‘I’m not even a 10th of this man.’

I consider it an honor and a privilege to give back however I can for the many sacrifices of these incredibly brave men and women.

All I know how to do is take what’s on my mind and spit it out funny. I don’t know what else I could do besides comedy.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty… mine’s putting in an express lane.

Somebody the other day had a review, called me ‘America’s reprobate.’ And I don’t even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.

My opening acts are always really strong because I need a guy who can take on a big, big crowd. Which is not that easy to do.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.

There’s not a pill you can take; there’s not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.

Any time someone achieves success before they’ve earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.

Think of The Rontourage as the Ron White Channel, where you can see us getting into trouble in all kinds of different places.

I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn’t care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

I was a little one-trick pony. I do what I’ve always done. That’s really where my best stuff comes from. I don’t know how it happens. It just happens.

If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it’s being true to their nature… that’s what takes a long time to learn.

A lot of my male vocal influences are British – people like David Bowie, Freddie Mercury and Robert Plant.

And that’s me. Maybe the reason I was promiscuous and wanted to sleep with a lot of them, is that I love them so much.

Credibility’ is defined as the willingness to kill a lot of people now for a not very good cause to assure the world that we’ll kill a lot more people if we can find a better one.

We don’t have a lot of men on stage doing flamboyant or theatrical. We have a lot of female pop stars doing it, but where are the guys? Where’s the classic pop-rock showman?

In middle school, I really didn’t have music, but in high school, I remember taking a lot of choir and drama.

Being who you are is a lot easier than faking it.

Americans in general have a lot of compassion, we just don’t always have the same view of how that compassion is implemented.

There’s people who think what they need and what they deserve in their lives is a lot worse than what they actually do, so they get themselves involved in things that are needlessly painful: brutal relationships, abusive relationships.