“I was a little one-trick pony. I do what I’ve always done. That’s really where my best stuff comes from. I don’t know how it happens. It just happens.”

I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn’t care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it’s being true to their nature… that’s what takes a long time to learn.

TV is a hard job. You work 15 hours a day. People tell you what to do. I hate to do it.

I don’t have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I’m going to keep talking. I can’t imagine a life without doing standup.

People, when they go on stage, tend to be animated and try to force things out instead of relaxing and bringing it in.

I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.

I had the right to remain silent… but I didn’t have the ability.

Diamonds – that’ll shut her up… for a minute!

That’s the beauty of being a straight-to-DVD star. It really helps you stay under the media’s radar.

I write these shows one joke at a time. There’s no continuity. I do try to figure an order to the stories, but there’s not continuity.

A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That’s just like heaven to me. I’m a simple man.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you’re a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can’t even spell. I don’t even have a high school diploma. I’m smart, but you can’t prove it on paper.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

Comedy is all about the pause.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

If there’s another world, he lives in bliss; if there is none, he made the best of this.

For my confirmation, I didn’t get a watch and my first pair of long pants, like most Lutheran boys. I got a telescope. My mother thought it would make the best gift.

I do my best to love everybody.

I always prefer to believe the best of everybody, it saves so much trouble.

I like to help women help themselves, as that is, in my opinion, the best way to settle the woman question. Whatever we can do and do well we have a right to, and I don’t think any one will deny us.

Goodness is beauty in the best estate.

To see a young couple loving each other is no wonder; but to see an old couple loving each other is the best sight of all.

We can’t any of us do all we would like, but we can do our best for every case that comes to us, and that helps amazingly.