“Whereas regular people tend to run away – because the embarrassing story is always going to be the really funny story.”

I spent most of my seventh grade summer dehydrated, green-tongued, and smelling like a Malaysian whorehouse.

I’m the kindest, most supportive friend ever, probably to my own detriment, but I hope that I am toughening up a little bit.

I have one girlfriend who is dating right now – she’s divorced – and she’s on Tinder, so we play Tinder. I know that’s not a real game, but it’s my favorite thing to do.

TV always wants more people to be watching.

The best advice anybody could have given me was to keep getting up over and over again.

Wipe the rivulets of watery drool from your face, and do it again, like an obstinate toddler running against the wall with his head in a bucket.

I talk to grown-ups who are out to have a good time and they want to be spoken to in a different way.

You just have to keep getting up’. And I look back and they were right. They were all right.

I am absolutely a Giants fan and I’m a Dynasty baby so I was a 49ers fan for a long time.

But I love stand-up, and it’s where I came from creatively, so it’s something I never want to walk away from.

One thing we do really well on Archer and one thing I’ve always tried to do in my comedy and my writing and my podcast is to never speak down to my audience.

I really do know football.

I grew up on the back of a motorcycle – my dad didn’t have a car until I was a teenager. And then my closest friend from grade school was a guy.

After going through a lot of procedures and spending a lot of money … the doctor said, ‘Look, based on what we’re seeing here, I just don’t think this is going to happen for you.’

You can only really learn from failure … To win, you need to fail, and fail hard.

I love it when I come across a word I don’t know. And I would never treat my audience like they weren’t smart enough to come along with me.

Practice meditation regularly. Meditation leads to eternal bliss. Therefore meditate, meditate.

Regular meditation opens the avenues of intuitional knowledge, makes the mind calm and steady, awakens an ecstatic feeling, and brings the practitioner in contact with the source of his/her very being.

I try to call my mother, Betty, with more regularity because I think, What if Hazel didn’t call me for two weeks? I’m able to see her mothering now from a different vantage point.~

I’m a regular person with an extraordinary job.

In whatever manner God created the world, it would always have been regular and in a certain general order. God, however, has chosen the most perfect, that is to say, the one which is at the same time the simplest in hypothesis and the richest in phenomena.

I’m one of those regular weird people.

People say, like, ‘Are you a regular person?’ ‘Well, I’m not a robot, if that’s what you’re asking, I really am a person.

Getting adjusted regularly is part of my goal to win in life and on the field.