If you’re in California and it’s raining, stay home, because nobody can drive in the rain. It’s like it’s raining frogs. They’re terrified.
ADAM FERRARAYou can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you’re on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.
More Adam Ferrara Quotes
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I don’t think it’s fair – you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring.
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As soon as you lay down, that’s when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. ‘Goodnight, baby.’ ‘Do you think we were together in a past life?’ ‘Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.’ ‘Don’t you feel like we’re soul…’
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I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date.
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Just to p-s you off, that’s why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.’
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My dad was a big car guy. If you wanted to spend time with my dad, he was working on the car.
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There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I’m a Catholic, and she’s the devil.
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The girls are beautiful in Hollywood – and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
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My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, ‘Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man’s under the bed!’ Pop opens one eye, he’s like, ‘Is the boogie man bigger than me?’ ‘
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The only marriage I’ve observed for any length of time is my parents – 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, ‘Pop, 35 years – what do you hope for?’ He’s like, ‘I hope you die first.’
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I got into cars through my father. He used to work on cars. My job was to hold the light, which pretty much was the limit of my mechanical abilities.
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I know she’s just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing ’til you hear water.
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I talk a lot about women in my act, ’cause let’s face it — if I was hungry, I would talk about food.
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There’s no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie – just a quick sniff, ‘Alright, let’s go.’
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The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
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If you look at a group of people that had faith, it’s got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, ‘I don’t think he knows where he’s going.’
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My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don’t know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.
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I don’t think I’ll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women.
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My girlfriend wants to get married. I tell you – I hope she meets somebody nice.
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I love that magazine, man – Victoria’s Secret – and it comes, like, every three hours.
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I love to believe that there’s one god but there’s many different religions so there’s just the question of which long distance company you pick.
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Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.
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Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you’re happy, you let us touch you.
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What if God’s a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I’ll never know why!
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Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. ‘Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain’t getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.’
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Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: ‘Swear to God, man – the hooker gave the money back.’
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My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, ‘Adam – uh, don’t kiss guys.’
ADAM FERRARA