“Shakespeare was a smart dude. He was the president of Rome.”

The thing that I think a lot of guys need to know how to do is not take your mother’s advice about honesty being the best policy.

We [me and friends] like to have surprising stories, but the dynamic and the friendship is the same.

“Poor guy or poor girl, get offstage. You’re killing us.” But if you get onstage and you don’t sing that well but you give it your all, people will be like, “Yeah, I’ll chug beer to this!”.

Comics know that they do best. They might not be best to rewrite to another person’s comedy, but they know what is best for them. Luckily,

” But, in fact, if you do something you like to do and you’re good at it, you’re going to find someone who will like you for that reason.

When you go out with your crew of friends and you get into trouble, at the end of the night when you come home, you’re still the same crew of friends. It’s just the story that you have to tell.

Jealousy is the worst trait in any person.

Listen to your cool, drunk uncle who tells you to lie. Those are the relationships that last.

People want to be friends with someone who likes to have a good time.

It’s really about committing super-hard to whatever you’re trying to create. In essence, I’m just copying my favorite comedic actors, and it’s the people who make me laugh the hardest who commit the hardest.

I come from both a writing background – with ‘Workaholics’ – and I also act in what I’ve written.

If you like standup and decide that it’s overtaking your life and want to hate it, watch 1,000 standup comedians who are trying to get on a TV show.

I’m always thinking, ‘my career is over, I have to move back to Omaha, and work on the railroad, with the rest of my family. So no, I’m never thinking I’ve ‘arrived.’ I think that’s a good way to be.

What’s cool about renting is that you don’t care about your house getting destroyed. So I think that is the number

The thing about singing is that if you’re having fun while doing it then people will have fun watching you do it.

In high school I was worried about singing in a choir not being a cool thing, like “I want girls to like me so I don’t want to do something that’s not cool.

I was the music dude that was naked all the time with the girls, and that’s fine, no problem with that.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they’d be off TV. They’re not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we’d know who she was?

When I’m in the car and I have the window down everytime I look up I see ufos like dude.

I been the same dude my whole life.

Don’t ever try to judge me, dude, you don’t know what I’ve been through.