“Listen to your cool, drunk uncle who tells you to lie. Those are the relationships that last.”

When you go out with your crew of friends and you get into trouble, at the end of the night when you come home, you’re still the same crew of friends. It’s just the story that you have to tell.

Jealousy is the worst trait in any person.

People want to be friends with someone who likes to have a good time.

It’s really about committing super-hard to whatever you’re trying to create. In essence, I’m just copying my favorite comedic actors, and it’s the people who make me laugh the hardest who commit the hardest.

I come from both a writing background – with ‘Workaholics’ – and I also act in what I’ve written.

If you like standup and decide that it’s overtaking your life and want to hate it, watch 1,000 standup comedians who are trying to get on a TV show.

I’m always thinking, ‘my career is over, I have to move back to Omaha, and work on the railroad, with the rest of my family. So no, I’m never thinking I’ve ‘arrived.’ I think that’s a good way to be.

What’s cool about renting is that you don’t care about your house getting destroyed. So I think that is the number

The thing about singing is that if you’re having fun while doing it then people will have fun watching you do it.

Shakespeare was a smart dude. He was the president of Rome.

In high school I was worried about singing in a choir not being a cool thing, like “I want girls to like me so I don’t want to do something that’s not cool.

“Poor guy or poor girl, get offstage. You’re killing us.” But if you get onstage and you don’t sing that well but you give it your all, people will be like, “Yeah, I’ll chug beer to this!”.

You can shoot a show and have it not air. It’s not real until it’s airing.

That’s another piece of advice: Don’t go to college; follow your dreams. Unless you’re a doctor – then go to college.

A funny thing is that you can’t search me on Twitter because Adam Levine dominates there.

Like in karaoke if you’re like “I don’t think I can do it” and then you sing a song and you look terrified people will say,

[Donald Trump twitts] “Lightweight Marco Rubio was working hard last night.” This is true. “The problem is he’s chalker and once a chalker, always a choker,” I guess that’s what he meant to say. He spelled choker, c-h-o-k-e-r.

Together, joined in effort by the burden, they staggered up the last steep of the mountain. Together, they chanted One! Two! Three! and crashed the log on to the great pile. Then they stepped back, laughing with triumphant pleasure.

The last 15 years, there has been no recorded warming. Contrary to all the theories that they are expounding, there should have been warming over the last 15 years. It hasn’t happened.

But, my dear sirs, when peace does come, you may call on me for any thing. Then will I share with you the last cracker, and watch with you to shield your homes and families against danger from every quarter.

To find some lasting comfort in the arms of anothers fire…driven by a desperate hunger to the arms of a neon light, the heart is a lonely hunter when there’s no sign of love in sight!

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

We are the not the best informed as the events of the last sixty centuries.

I was around when my father finished the last payment of his house.