Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
TIM ALLENA guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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I have a thing for tools.
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Before Kady was born, I didn’t think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.
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If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
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There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
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I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, “Dad’s an idiot,” which lasted a little longer than I’d like.
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The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
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Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.
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My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
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Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
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I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it’s one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they’re going to want something from me I can’t give, or they’re going to hurt me.
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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
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Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
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I’m a creative guy, artistically with graphics.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
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While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
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I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.
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I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system?
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I love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.
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Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
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I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
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