I have an only child. She’s so independent and good with adults.
TIM ALLENI love doing logos. I’ve been a graphic artist all my life.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Men aren’t men until they can get to Sears by themselves.
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Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
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I grew up around hunters. I love guns, bows, arrows, compasses and binoculars. I don’t do any of that stuff, I just like the stuff. I shot one animal, in my life, and I didn’t like it. If I had to skin an animal to eat it, I’d probably eat vegetables.
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Before Kady was born, I didn’t think having a kid would be such a big deal. My attitude was simple: Babies are nice, play with them, put them in the closet until the next time.
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I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
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The world’s a mean place. It’s unfair, then it’s fair. It’s hateful, then it’s loving. It’s a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.
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Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.
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To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of the TV and don’t move. He’ll talk to you. I promise.
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If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.
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They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
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Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
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My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
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Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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In my experience, it’s all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.
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I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.
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I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.
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You don’t know what people are really like until they’re under a lot of stress.
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I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.
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Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of “Yeah, we might have to reboot.”
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.
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I do a lot of family shows.
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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.
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My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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When I went to jail, reality hit so hard that it took my breath away, took my stance away, took my strength away. I was there buck naked, humiliated, sitting in my own crap and urine – this is a metaphor. My ego had run off. Your ego is the biggest coward.
TIM ALLEN