I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPSLord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
EMO PHILIPS