“But separate a man from his car – that’s inhuman.”

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.

I have a thing for tools.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you are tired and most of your balls are missing.

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they’re going to respect Mom.

The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas – where it’s a beautiful theater – is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.

I am a thespian trapped in a man’s body.

If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.

If it ain’t broke, you can probably still fix it.

Nothing’s as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, “And let there be aluminum siding.” Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree’s on a golf course, all the better.

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody’s car.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that’s funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

I do a lot of family shows.

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

I’m really insecure about everything.

Compassion is not religious business, it is human business, it is not luxury, it is essential for our own peace and mental stability, it is essential for human survival.

The only good human being is a dead one.

People will always try to stop you from doing the right thing if it is unconventional.

The Sorrowful Virgin whose pierced heart mourned the death of Jesus now grieves for the sufferings of the crucified poor and for the creatures of this world laid waste by human power.

The human brain is an incredible pattern-matching machine.

In the dynamic experience of life, problems come and go, but the human spirit endures.

If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed.