“America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.”

The answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.

When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.

The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They’re supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.

We don’t really have to make fun of religion – it makes fun of itself.

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.

In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’.

The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?

The cable TV sex channels don’t expand our horizons, don’t make us better people, and don’t come in clearly enough.

You can’t pray away global warming, and that’s the difference between religious people and sane people.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They’re DEFINITELY GAY!!

Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.

You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks. Better we keep biscuits and go.

The serpent, the king, the tiger, the stinging wasp, the small child, the dog owned by other people, and the fool: these seven ought not to be awakened from sleep.

If I had been a dog walker, I would have been the most successful dog walker in Paris.

The life of an uneducated man is as useless as the tail of a dog which neither covers its rear end, nor protects it from the bites of insects.

The psychological and moral comfort of a presence at once humble and understanding-this is the greatest benefit that the dog has bestowed upon man.

If I loved a guy as much as I love my dog, the guy would be in serious trouble because I’m all over that dog, all of the time.

Let anyone speak hundreds of things against you, do not resent by giving a bitter reply. If you tolerate such things, you will certainly be happy. If anybody wants any money from you, and you are not inclined to give, do not give. But do not bark at him like a Dog.

It’s Christmas time and my rhyme’s steady bumpin. Everybody happy, hair still nappy, Gonna steal a gift for my old grandpappy.