“Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.”

I don’t understand why it has to be either – or – either socialism or democracy. Why can’t we combine things to get the best of each system?

I’m one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.

When you’re 6 or 7, your father becomes this wonderful presence in your life. I really responded to my father. And then, the very moment I realized that I loved him unconditionally, that life was going to be great just because he was in it, he was gone.

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad’s car. I don’t blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don’t have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.

Man is the only animal to borrow tools.

Men often do things for women that they don’t want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don’t want to do.

Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

I’m sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

The arts community still has a long lasting cynicism of the importance, or the artistic value, of comedy. Comedy is just farting about for money.

The one thing I would never wish it to be thought is that you play serious roles in order to achieve some sort of respectability which you can’t if you’re playing comedic roles.

I consider myself more of a visual comedian than a physical one.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I’ve got a nickle in my pocket.

There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy.

Anything that is not funny at a certain point will be funny.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find one at the end of your arm. I really hope no one misinterprets this quote as being about masturbation.