I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I’ve never gotten over it.
TIM ALLENComedy is the ultimate anarchist.
More Tim Allen Quotes
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Real men don’t use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer’s opinion on how to put this together.
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I’ve gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I’m back to a flip-phone. It’s funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they’re considered antiques.
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I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that’s a good thing.
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If you want to condemn yourself for the mistakes you’ve made, let’s be fair, that means you’ve got to congratulate yourself for all the good things you’ve done. It’s okay to say, “God, I wish I’d done this; yeah, but I did do that.” Then it kind of balances out.
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My comedy is not mine. It’s a gift. I’m not that smart.
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Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.
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I’m actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.
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A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
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I’m one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.
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My dad’s death reminds me of earthquakes – things that shake your foundation.
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Women are brilliant. Every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket. Every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with the towel out of the shower. Ever try to do that? You look like a drunk Iraqi soldier.
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Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we’re just the tallest people living here.
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Dog’s listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.
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Never comment on a woman’s rear end. Never use the words ‘large’ or ‘size’ with ‘rear end’. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.
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Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?
TIM ALLEN