My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid…and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
EMO PHILIPSMy girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That’s what gave me the courage.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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