“Alright, remember, alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you.”

I think the reason I don’t read is because, when I’m reading, I feel like I’m missing out on something else. You know, What are my friends doing? Where’s my girlfriend?

I know I want to always do the best I can.

I grew up cursing a lot.

When you’re shooting a movie you are away from home most of the time. It’s an amazing thing that we get to do what we get to do, but you definitely are away from the family more than you’d like to be.

I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it.

I’ve always had lots of friends and my house was the house they all hung out at.

I was raised by a mother who told me I was great every day of my life.

I’m getting older, and it happens. You don’t care as much. I don’t care about too much anymore. I’ve got to think about that a little bit.

When I take my kid to school, all the parents stop and stare.

I don’t know what drives me to succeed. I know I want to always do the best I can. I never was like that as a kid.

Never seen my friends do more push-ups, trying to challenge Cruises’ manhood. It was like, I can be strong, too!

I did rocks, all this dumb stuff. But now it’s just trying to stay afloat and just get through the days.

The only reason I got into stand-up was because my brother told me to. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I was 17 and my brother went to a comedy club and he said – you can do that.

Sir one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!

I don’t want to run around with new people. I feel safer with my friends.

I read to my kid, but I can’t stand reading.

Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.

If you’re not drinkin’, then you’re not playin’.

Lately I been drinking like there’s a message in a bottle.

Sometimes I don’t drink so the next day I can remember having fun.

You know that I’m too drunk to talk right now. You put your cigarette out on my face.

Candy is dandy but liqueur is quicker.

Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.

Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.