“The Monte Carlo casino refused to admit me until I was properly dressed so I went and found my stockings, and then came back and lost my shirt.”

All I say is, nobody has any business to go around looking like a horse and behaving as if it were all right. You don’t catch horses going around looking like people, do you?

Maybe it is only I, but conditions are such these days, that if you use studiously correct grammar, people suspect you of homosexual tendencies.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me.

If all the young ladies who attended the Yale promenade dance were laid end to end, no one would be the least surprised.

Never throw mud: you can miss the target, but your hands will remain dirty.

The best way to avoid a hangover is to stay drunk.

Most good women are hidden treasures who are only safe because nobody looks for them.

Now, look, baby, ‘Union’ is spelled with 5 letters. It is not a four-letter word.

[On the ringing of her doorbell or telephone:] What fresh hell is this?

It’s not the tragedies that kill us; it’s the messes.

Bewildered is the fox who lives to find that grapes beyond reach can be really sour.

You do what you can, and you do it because you should. But all you can do is all you can do.

Vice is nice, but liquor is quicker.

The writer’s way is rough and lonely, and who would choose it while there are vacancies in more gracious professions, such as, say, cleaning out ferryboats?

I hate almost all rich people, but I think I’d be darling at it.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.

A handsome woman is a jewel; a good woman is a treasure.

Whatever makes an impression on the heart seems lovely in the eye.

These are my new shoes. They’re good shoes. They won’t make you rich like me, they won’t make you rebound like me, they definitely won’t make you handsome like me. They’ll only make you have shoes like me. That’s it.

Every child in every neighborhood, of every color, class and background, deserves a school that will help them succeed.

When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.

I wear my clothes, my clothes don’t wear me.

Whatever a person may be like, we must still love them because we love God.

People made fun of my skinny legs.